Memoirs and musings of Darius Bashar. Toronto portrait photographer and writer, in pursuit of all things real, raw and intimate.
Everyone thinks a softman is a man that cries. But softness in a man is NOT one-dimensional.
When a man softens the walls around his heart and gives himself permission to express, a softman can also be a man that discovers his raw sexiness, his bad-ass-ness, and his power.
Thank you Ciaran for the gift of showing me what is possible when men allow their walls to soften.
I walked away from this photoshoot feeling closer to you and also to myself.
You are living ART.
HOLY SHIT! I just found out that I am a Top 10 Finalist in the $50,000 Archangel Dreamer competition.
I'll know Saturday if my SoftMen book and movement is about to get funded by one of my favourite organizations on the planet.
Huge thank you to Giovanni Marsico, Stephie Major, Crystal Adair-Benning and the entire Archangel team for being the real deal when it comes to helping entrepreneurs bring their dreams to life.
PS: As a finalist I get an exclusive 75% discount code for friends and family who want to attend this Saturday's BIG event. The discount code turns the $97 USD Festival ticket to $24.25.
If you want to attend this Saturday's Dream Festival and get your freaking mind blown by a killer line-up of WORLD CLASS thought leaders DM me or comment below with the word "dreamer".
To see the full speaker line-up --> https://dreamerfestival.com
PPS: Here's my 60 second video pitch in case you missed it.
PPPS: Thanks for all the love and support.
PPPPS: I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear human,
You are art.
Even when you can’t find the words to speak.
Even when you are unable to send a single work email.
Even when you can’t be in the same room with people you love because you feel introverted AF.
Somehow, despite it all, you are still a stroke of brilliance.
Yours forever,
Darius
#loveletterstomyself #selflove #SoftMen
Men are not suppose to wear makeup.
Men are not suppose to wear dresses.
And men are definitely not suppose to date other men.
Most men I know grew up accepting these statements to be true.
So a beautiful and powerful person like my dear friend Micha Edwards might be confusing to men who are still holding on to a boxed-in definition of manhood.
From films and pop culture, to athletes and business icons, as young men we were taught that we needed to toughen up and “grow a pair” to really make it.
We’re also taught that the opposite of being a man is being called a pussy. And that “real men” don’t hold feminine qualities and attributes. Where I grew up, if you called someone a pussy it was almost always followed by violence.
There is a rigid box that defines what makes a man, DO NOT GO OUTSIDE THAT BOX.
You know what else is a rigid box? A prison.
And that’s what it can feel like for anyone that wants to express, explore and expand, but is instead held down and told to stay small and stay quiet.
I’ve put in a lot of work to expanding and stepping outside of this box, because of what my heart could always feel to be true:
What we consider feminine qualities are not the enemy. Men who live outside the boxed-in definition of manhood are just as powerful and necessary.
And most importantly, love is love.
My heart has tremendous capacity and love for incredible humans like Micha.
I see God’s light in him when he expresses his fullness. I feel his power when he sings and dances and especially when he speaks from his heart.
His kindness and compassion for others gives me hope.
I love this man.
He is my brother. He is art.
He is God… and so are you.
In the past 3 years I have shared over 500 posts and somehow I have never, not once, gotten a single negative comment.
Not until very recently.
(I am 100% sure people had plenty of negative thoughts about my content, but not to the point of actually publicly sharing them.)
Well, I received my first negative comment from a stranger.
Shortly after, I received 2 more. But these ones came from close family.
All 3 negative comments were about my SoftMen posts.
Many of you have asked for an update on my SoftMen project. The truth is, I have lots of photos and writing to share, but I have been scared to do so.
It was the beginning of a downward spiral. I couldn’t understand what had happened. Why was I so fragile? I had hundreds of positive responses and only 3 negative comments and all of the sudden, all my forward moving energy came to a halt.
Then after a few deep meditations and lots of journalling I realized what had happened.
Sharing photos of amazing and beautiful humans is tough to publicly disagree with. But much of the SoftMen content is inherently different than my photography business content. SoftMen brings up a lot of hidden fear that sits right under our societal masks of progressiveness. People still equate softness to weakness, people still have dormant homophobia, people still have fear of rattling the cage.
There are a lot of potential areas of tension and conflict. There is a lot of new territory and new learning for me, which means I will likely stumble and trip several times. I will look like a fool and make mistakes, but if that means I can get closer to creating a space to support and celebrate amazing, kind, generous, beautiful and powerful men, then so be it.
The level of support for me and this project has blown me away. Thank you for caring so much, and for not letting me hide.
It’s time to continue sharing SoftMen photos, writings, podcasts and videos. Next week I will share with you some amazing photos I took of my dear friend Micha Edwards. (Here’s a sneak peek of 3 photos.) Follow the link below for the naked SoftMen podcast Micah and I recorded a few days prior to our photoshoot.
PODCAST LINK → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsKHMFPLbVg&feature=youtu.be
If you like the podcast and would like to support the SoftMen project please hit Subscribe on the YouTube link.
If you’d like to be one of the SoftMen or know of a SoftMan that would be perfect for this project please visit www.softmen.art to apply.
Here’s how the SoftMen Podcast works…
We start out fully clothed.
We set a timer for 15 minutes.
Exactly when the alarm goes off, we both get fully naked.
On camera. No matter where we are in the conversation. And that’s when something shifts.
When two men are all of the sudden naked in each other’s presence, it’s as if the walls we had between us can’t be held up. Even if we’re both in different rooms. Even if no one can actually see our goods.
I’ve only done 3 naked SoftMen podcasts, but every time we got naked the conversation totally changes. We go deeper. We get more vulnerable. We connect more sincerely.
This is episode 02 of The SoftMen Podcast with Steve Ballantyne.
I know Steve in real life, he’s a good friend of mine. I was pleasantly surprised by how much Steve shared about his personal life and specifically his relationship with his penis. This podcast felt like the REAL Steve.
Deep gratitude brother. Thank you for showing up.
PS: If you are interested in being on the SoftMen Podcast or being photographed for the SoftMen Book you can apply for both at www.SoftMen.art.
On today's naked podcast, I talk to Steve Ballantyne about our SoftMen photoshoot in 3 days. We also got into a juicy conversation about Penis Wellness, masterbastion without ejaculation and many other deep and hilarious conversations.
Men, I have a very personal question to ask you. What does your relationship with your penis look like?
First of all, do you even have a relationship?
Do you guys talk?
Do you work well together?
Or are you just two passing ships?
I used to think I had a good relationship with my penis. But then I spent some time with Steve Ballantyne and all of that came crashing down.
Steve and my friend Adil Dhalla were the first two people to introduce me to the concept of Penis Wellness. Penis Wellness is a workshop for men to encourage open dialogue about practices and rituals that could enhance our relationships with our penises. By the end of the workshop, all the men would get naked in a sauna together and would look at each others’ full naked bodies—including each man’s penis—and then they would look into each others eyes and say, “I see you.”
I’m not going to lie, when I first heard about this I laughed—thinking it was a joke. But I have come to understand that my initial mocking reaction came from an inner embarrassment and shame. I grew up believing it was important to hide my penis. The only purpose of my penis was to go to the washroom, self pleasure, and as a tool during sex. Otherwise my penis stayed ignored.
Here’s the funny thing: despite all this, if you would have asked me the question at the beginning of this post, my answer would have been, “I love him. He’s great.”
But did my actions demonstrate love?
If my penis was personified as a romantic partner, I’ve been the worst partner ever.
We never talk, unless I need something.
I shared no gestures or acts of love or intimacy.
I kept him hidden mostly because I was embarrassed to bring him out.
I never talked about him with my friends.
I even called him my “junk”.
Fast-forward to Saturday’s naked SoftMen photoshoot with Steve.
I am in the presence of someone with a deep, intimate, and meaningful relationship with his penis.
It was just like going on a double date with another couple.
You see how loving and connected they are.
How much they care and respect each other.
How much deep intimacy they share for one another.
How much they laugh together and how all that makes them feel super confident and solid.
Then you go home with your partner and get into a big fight.
Full disclosure: that’s EXACTLY what happened to me after my shoot with Steve. I had such a blast during the shoot, but later that night and the next day I started to implode.
It was challenging to be in the presence of a naked man with a deep grounded confidence. His power and boldness made me want to shrink away. I wanted to hide so badly. But the powerful gift I discovered underneath it all was an invitation to explore my own relationship with my body and my penis.
And what I found is that there is definitely room for more love, kindness and a deeper connection.
Steve, thank you for really showing up, and for templating what’s possible for me and men everywhere. I love you brother.
Where are all my Middle Eastern men?
Where are all my Asian men?
Where are all my African men?
Where are all my Latin men?
Where are all my Indigenous men?
Where are all my Caribbean men?
Where are all my South Asian men?
Powerful, ETHNIC men.
Brave and beautiful MEN OF COLOUR.
Where are you?!
Every day I get more men volunteering to be a part of my SoftMen book. I am so grateful for every brave man who throws his hat in the ring. Your courage, your commitment to growth—both personal and societal—is something I cherish and deeply respect.
But I am noticing a trend.
95% of the men volunteering to get naked in front of my camera are white men.
I love my white brothers. Their stories and their hearts are an important part of this journey, but this book and this movement needs to be about more than just white men.
The men I choose to include or not include in this book will make a statement.
The amazing SoftMen that exist in my life are so diverse, so eclectic and expansive. I want that to be represented in this book. This extends far beyond race. Sexual orientation, age, and body types are important to consider. There are others as well.
If you believe it’s important to celebrate the softness in ALL men, please tag or share this post with any men of colour that you believe would be a good fit.
And also, to my white brothers, keep reaching out. I want you here too. I want to continue sharing your stories and your hearts with the world. I just want to make sure there is space for all of us.
PS: I know there are other social identifiers of men that I am missing. Besides race, body type, age and sexual orientation, what other men would be important to include in a book about SoftMen?
For more on this project —> www.SoftMen.art
This weekend, I asked Jennifer Mansell to take photos of me fully naked.
Why? Because I wanted to feel what it would be like to be one of the men in my new Soft Men portrait book project. (Click here to read the big announcement.)
This book will have 50 black & white portraits of amazing men, all of whom will be fully naked. My intention is to strip away the armour of these men and get as close to their hearts as possible.
This book will be a celebration of their softness. Their sensitivity. Their hearts, and also their power.
What was my first nude photo experience like?
It was difficult. It was triggering. It brought up a lot of shame…
Shame about my body
Shame about my belly
Shame about my body hair
Shame about my penis
But it also brought up a lot of questions…
Who placed this shame inside of me?
Where did it come from?
How long has it been there?
What type of impact has it had on my life?
I know this project has tremendous healing potential. There are so many men walking around in isolation and holding on to secret shame.
A part of me really hopes I can forget this ever happened. But I’m finding ways to be patient and loving with this part of me that’s probably just scared and protective, and feels the pressure of society.
These two simple photos terrify me, but here they are.
