Memoirs and musings of Darius Bashar. Toronto portrait photographer and writer, in pursuit of all things real, raw and intimate.
Sometimes I run toward the light.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m running so hard because I am afraid of being caught by the shadow.
The shadow that consumes all of my light. All of my dreams. All of my joy.
The shadow that makes me feel small and unworthy.
The shadow that steals the words from my tongue.
The shadow that keeps me couch-locked, binging Netflix.
She is close today, but I am going to keep running.
As fast and as long as my heart can take me.
———
Throwback from August 23, 2019
I have recently been thinking a lot about death — particularly my own. The idea of death has been finding me in my dreams and also in my waking life.
I don’t mind. I actually appreciate it. Reflecting on the limited time I have left here on Earth helps me focus.
I keep going back to the same question…”If this was my last year as Darius what would I leave behind?”
Recently I’ve been making some fun How-To YouTube videos, mostly on how to make better videos and how to look and feel great on Zoom.
I love making these videos and you guys seem to appreciate them too. I want to keep making How-To videos that help people CREATE more cool stuff…
AND…
I HAVE SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO EXPRESS AND CREATE BEFORE I LEAVE!
The truth is we all have a last breath that is looking for us.
My last breath might find me in 50 years from now or it might find me in 50 mins from now.
When it finally does, I want to do everything in my power to make sure I don’t leave this earth and this body with light trapped inside me. Light that never got a chance to shine bright.
There is a reason my soul chose this body.
There is a reason I am here on this planet now.
For me, this isn’t one BIG reason, but rather an ever unfolding series of reasons.
It can be easy to forget that being here on earth was a choice I made.
There are things in this world that help remind me that I am a soul having a human experience and not the other way around.
These things help keep my soul awake.
13 Things That Help Keep My Soul Awake
Creating just for me
Meditating in the early mornings
Movement (walking especially)
Embracing impermanence; especially my own death
Psilocybin (aka magic mushrooms, but only when done with reverence)
Transcendental Sex (sex so powerful I literally open a vortex to alternative worlds)
Self-Love (healthy and wholesome living where I honor and support my human)
Embracing Oneness (letting go of the illusion of separation and leaning into empathy)
Transcendental Breathwork
Travel (expanding my perspective of the planet)
Ecstatic Dance
Radical Aliveness therapy
Holding babies and having conversations with young kids
What if the value of my life was not based on what I owned or what my status was OR EVEN how many lives I impacted.
What if the value of my life was based on how fully I lived and how honest I stayed to my own truth.
What if my goal was to inspire ME?
What if my ideal audience was ME?
What if the only success metric I tracked was “how close do I feel to ME?".
The season changed so quickly. Summer bounced like a bad one night stand.
I immediately felt the drop in my energy. It felt scary.
But I have been here many times before. Thankfully I have many support systems put in place from previous years.
I know I need:
Extra sleep
Physical Warmth
Movement
Self-compassion
Gentleness
Fresh air
Connection to other kind and caring humans
I also remind myself that I don’t need to FIX anything. Nothing is broken. I just need time to adjust. No need to make any big decisions based on the seasonal shift in my mood.
Being extra hard on “My Human” during these shifts helps no one.
Also, an important reminder that external substances that quickly alter my mood always cause me more damage in the long-run. That includes booze, drugs, cannabis and even food when over done.
There is an urge to contract and close my heart when the season shifts.
There is a desire to shut-off and run away from the world.
After tracking this for the past 6 years I now understand that so much of this is a seasonal event AND also that there are so many other humans going through this with me. Many of whom are suffering alone — like I was for so many years.
I have so much love and compassion for all humans experiencing this shift in energy; sometimes referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder.
As much as I want the summer to be endless, I know that’s not how life works.
Also, there is something precious and divine about the finite nature of all things on earth.
All things end…but also, often begin again.
Here’s to a new day, a new season and a new opportunity to deepen my connection to my many selves.
Anyone else feeling this drop in energy?
Writing with my ideal audience in-mind has been a crazy effective approach to helping me get the attention of the right people and grow my business. Last year alone I probably generated $10K–$15K a month for my photography business, just from writing content on my personal Facebook and Instagram pages.
AND…
Sometimes, I just want to write for me.
I love all you humans, but it can be challenging always writing for someone else. When I try to get into the minds of other people I sometimes end up losing my own truth.
As I write these words, I feel a tension between two versions of myself. There is a fascinating dynamic that exists between Business Darius and Artist Darius.
In the past, I thought I had to kill one and hold the other sacred. That was definitely not the solution. I now believe this tension can actually be really healthy. Neither of them holds the full truth. I now know they both bring value and can co-exist.
Letting them dance together and find their flow is key. Sometimes Business Darius needs to lead and other times Artist Darius is the one guiding the dance.
"Business D" has been crushing all summer. I’m really proud of him, but I’m getting that familiar feeling once again, that it’s time to give the keys to "Artist D" for a bit and let him work his magic.
Anyone else feel a tension between two or more parts when it comes to Social Media?
I am so deeply grateful. I literally pinched myself at least 7 times this past weekend because I was terrified I would wake up, to find out it was all a dream.
(Not even joking.)
Having the honour of taking portraits of all the speakers at this year’s Archangel Summit was one of the most powerful, perspective shifting experiences of my life.
So today I am simply sharing a HUGE shoutout to the man who made this dream come true. Giovanni, I have never met anyone like you. There are lots of people who claim they can do what you do, but no one has even come close.
I’ve got to run… I have a photoshoot coming up fast. But for now, THANK YOU! I will write more on this, I promise.
Summer is not gone; summer was never here.
You see, summer is just a belief. And like all other beliefs before it, summer is at best a made-up concept.
All beliefs are made-up and therefore all beliefs are bullshit. But all beliefs are also true, if you put enough energy into them.
So I choose to believe summer will continue in my heart for as long as I can remember…
the warmth of my beloveds morning kisses
the sounds of the farmers market
the rejoicing and tears from the pews, as we celebrated their forever love
the smells of the pine trees at the cottage
the floating in the trees as we watched the sunset
I know I can’t hold onto summer forever, but I also know that today will not be the day I let her go.
Sometimes I run toward the light. But sometimes I wonder if I’m running so hard because I am afraid of being caught by the shadow.
The shadow that consumes all of my light. All of my dreams. All of my joy.
The shadow that makes me feel small and unworthy.
The shadow that steals the words from my tongue.
The shadow that keeps me couch-locked, binging Netflix.
She is close today, but I am going to keep running.
As fast and as long as my heart can take me.
