One of the reasons Jenn and I are in Costa Rica right now is to see if we could work remotely for a few weeks during the winter. And right now, I’m having a hard time finding balance.

There’s so much I love about being here: the weather, the people, the food, the beach and the community of conscious humans—just to name a few. And a part of me is pissed that I have decided to work while in this tropical paradise.

It feels like I am a kid and my parents are trying to make me do homework while I am on vacation.

But on the flip side, if I don’t do any work then Adult Darius starts to get anxious. So before I get ahead of myself, I need to determine if running a business from here is even possible. 

I love this place and want to see if Jenn and I can make it here for a few weeks at a time and find a balance between play and work.

And at this point, it’s too early to tell.

I know there are a bunch of you who have figured out a way to make this type of balance work. If any of you have practical tips on this topic to offer us, Jenn and I are all ears.

Last week I started a secret photography project.

A private instagram page for an audience of one...

Myself.

I rarely write or take photos just for me.

Every day I posted a selfie and I wrote a love note dedicated to “my human”—that’s what I call my physical body. 

I did my best to imagine my human as an entirely separate person. Someone I loved and cherished. Someone infinitely important to my life. I am so good at supporting and believing in others, I wanted to do the same for him.

Because I knew no one would read these posts, I was able to say things that I normally wouldn’t be brave enough to share. 

• Some days it was easy to say kind and loving things to my human. Other days I felt silly, vain and fake. 

• Some days I would speak from my heart about a specific body part that was in the photo and tell my human how beautiful he was. 

• Some days I would apologize for being shitty to him in the past. 

• Some days I would tell him the impact he has had on my life. 

• Some posts were just a few words — that’s why I call them love notes and not love letters.

By reminding myself that these love notes are just for me, it sparked my creativity and helped me reconnect with my heart on a deeper, more intimate level.

My only considerations were:

 → Do I love the photo? 
→ Do I feel expressed? 
→ Am I proud of it? 
→ Do I feel seen? 

If the answer to these questions were yes, then I walked away feeling connected to my human, to my heart and to the Universe. It is such a liberating feeling to make content for an audience of one; myself. 

Here are a few examples of photos I took last week. Don’t worry; I checked in with my human first to see if he was okay with me sharing them. He said yes. :)

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This morning I got to my computer and couldn’t find any words to share.

I couldn’t write.

I love what I do and I adore all the amazing people I work with. But even though there is so much beauty in my life, some days a part of me feels heavy and resistant. So this morning I daydreamed about deleting all my social media accounts and moving somewhere hot with plenty of beaches and mangos. 

Doubt and uncertainty show up often in my life, and I am pretty sure they will travel with me till the end of my journey. Feelings of doubt are true for so many of us, but I think they are especially present for artists, entrepreneurs, and creators—people who take risks.

This morning when I didn’t want to write, I reminded myself that it’s okay to feel and experience these feelings as they come.

Feelings of doubt and uncertainty are not the enemy.

But I need to remember that these feelings are also not the Truth. 

And on the days when I want to stop everything, it’s important to keep showing up. To keep expressing and to keep the train moving.

(Even if that means on certain days the train will be moving way slower.)

Because a slow-moving train will still get you where you want to go.

Anyone else feeling extra resistance these past few days? It can’t just be me. What’s your plan to keep the train moving?

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Most of my photography clients are women between the ages of 35 and 55. 

These are amazing, generous, intelligent women. There is a beautiful radiance within each of them. 

There is also a frustration that is present in all of them.  

The frustration comes from finally accepting that they are here to do something big and brave and important, but also feeling blocked from doing so. 

A pain that comes from feeling the power that lives within them, but not being able to express its fullness.

One common blockage for these amazing women is a secret unconscious belief that they are not worthy of the FULL spotlight. Maybe a little attention is okay, but not too much. 

They are afraid if they take-up too much space, they will look selfish and self-centred.

I can relate to this perspective. It’s one I have wrestled with for decades myself. 

“It’s not about me, it’s about my audience. I will focus on them. I will take photos of them. I will tell their stories. I will celebrate them.”

There is nothing wrong with this.

But there is a difference between an artist and a leader. 

It is only as I am able to understand how connected we all are, that my relationship with the spotlight started to change. 

I was able to see that God’s light that lives inside me is exactly the same as the light inside you, and that when one of us shines bright we are all lifted.

To provide support to these clients I had to lead by example. I had to show by doing. I had to be vulnerable and real. I couldn’t hide behind my camera; I had to take up more space and step into the light. 

This did not mean I stopped sharing photos and stories of others. It just meant I had to also celebrate and love myself too. 

It takes courage to step into the spotlight. But each time we do, we are giving permission to others to do the same. When they see you, they are actually looking for themselves, inside you.

Your light is my light.

Sometimes people come into our lives and bring us tremendous kindness, love and safety. 

These humans leave such a profound impact on us. They teach us. They protect us. They provide for us. 

Like all things in life, these people can’t stay with us forever. When it’s time to leave, our hearts ache with feelings of helplessness that swallow us whole.

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that we make a decision to never allow ourselves to feel this much love for another person again.

We fortify our hearts from the rest of the world and close ourselves off.

But we can also choose to stay open.

We breathe. We sit with the pain. We go all the way through, our entire body shaking in fear. Our eyes are full of tears, but we keep them open.

We choose to find a way, some miraculous way, to keep our hearts open to the world.

We choose to love, to explore and wonder, even knowing that we will once again feel pain.

Because maybe pain is simply the bill at the end of an amazing meal. Maybe it’s just proof that we experienced something marvelous and rare.

And instead of focusing on how much it cost, we can remember how delicious each plate tasted. We can remember how beautiful our beloveds looked, how much we laughed and how deeply we shared stories with one another.

This video is really hard for me to watch. It’s from exactly 10 years ago today.

I made 30 videos in the 30 days leading up to my 27th birthday. My goal was to inspire others to step out of their own comfort zones and share their hearts too. 

I honestly had no idea what I was doing. But I felt something inside of me that so badly wanted to be expressed.

When I completed the 30-day challenge and realized how far I was from my comfort zone, I had the biggest vulnerability hangover of my life. These videos didn’t go viral or make me famous, so I assumed the project was a failure and that nobody liked me.

A voice in my head told me, “Nobody gives a shit. Now shut up and promise you’ll never do that again!”

Ouch! 

To protect myself from feeling this ashamed and embarrassed ever again, I made myself smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing from video for almost 9 years.

I didn’t even know I was hiding. I did not want to admit it. I tried to forget the whole thing ever happened. 

It has taken me a lot of work to be able to record and share videos weekly like I do now. A LOT OF WORK. It’s easy to forget about the work—which includes this 30-day video challenge—because it hurts to look back.

When I hear myself speak in these old videos I can feel all the ways I was holding back. I can see how I was trying to be someone I thought the world wanted, and not who I really was.

I remember these videos as being a massive failure. But the truth is, these videos were massive stepping stones that needed to happen to get me to where I am today. And while a part of me still feels uncomfortable looking back, and I cringe at how nasally his voice sounds (and this is one of the better videos from this series), I am grateful for the work that younger Darius put in.

For his courage.

For his heart.

And of course, for his thick head of hair. ;)

TBD

I so often don’t ask for help. But I can't stop thinking about what my life would be like if I was a YouTuber.

Could I do this? Could I build a successful channel on YouTube and create a following? 

Here’s a list of why this could work: 

• I have all the technical equipment.

• I know how to film and edit. (Thank you, film school.)

• I am really comfortable in front of a camera.

• But most of all, I am willing to go DEEP and BE REAL. 

I get so freaking excited by the possibility of succeeding on YouTube. Maybe too excited. So then I run off a different list intended to manage my excitement. 

• It takes years to make a single dollar.

• 99.9% of YouTubers fail. 

• There are millions of channels already. 

• YouTube is known to have some of the worst commenters. 

• It takes a shitload of time to edit videos. 

• You can't hide in a video. Your face and your voice are there for everyone.

I’ve had many other ideas in the past that did NOT workout and it was really disappointing. So I'm trying to protect my heart.

But what I’ve learned lately is that releasing dreams into the world builds momentum and accountability. My mind is still blown by what has happened so far with my SoftMen Book project. So for now, I am just going to claim my desire. Feel it with everything I have and pay close attention to when the Universe opens a path.

I believe I can make a big impact on YouTube, and I have no clue how to go about this.

Can someone in my community help me? Do you guys have resources, experience, or support that will help me get closer to my dream? 

PS: Here’s my first video podcast on Youtube. It’s super raw and unpolished, but I kind of love it.

Done is better than perfect. It don't get much more raw and real than this. On the first ever SoftMen Podcast we dive deep with Ben Dussault and discuss our upcoming SoftMen naked photo shoot.

“I figured it all out. The answer is… self love! You’re welcome—”

—anyone else SICK of hearing this message?

I sure am. Every coach I work with, every talk I listen to, every book I read, it all goes back to the same solution:

SELF LOVE

But here’s my issue with this…

When people tell me the solution is to love myself, that gets me nowhere.

“Great, I already love myself. Now what?!”

Every single one of us already loves ourselves to some degree. Yet most of us want more love in our lives. More romantic love, more love at work, more love for our bodies, more money love in our bank accounts, more “love” for our content.

So what do we do?

The brilliant Adam Roa has a great quote about this. He says, “The degree in which we are able to receive love is directly correlated to our ability to love ourselves.” 

What if instead of asking whether we love ourselves, a better question is HOW MUCH do we love ourselves? Maybe the real issue is that we have reached a maximum capacity for love in our lives. 

Maybe… our “self love cup” is ready for an UPGRADE.

On today’s video I share a science experiment to demonstrate how limited I currently am in my life for love, and how overwhelmed and paralyzed it makes me feel. Can you relate?

Anyone out there got some wisdom to help me get out of this limiting and very wobbly place in my life? Your help is greatly appreciated. 

So many amazing things have happened in the last few weeks. You guys have sent in hundreds of comments, voice notes, emails, and texts in response to my recent social media content. And by many metrics, the content’s been really working.

You would think this would be a moment of celebration for me.

And for the most part, it is.

But it’s not that simple.

Because while a part of me is happy, another part of me is sort of terrified of what’s going on.

And I think that’s okay. Here’s what I’ve learned over the years…

Sometimes in the process of finding success, we encounter hidden parts of us that want nothing to do with our newfound growth.

It’s not because those parts are evil or have a plan to destroy us or forever hold us back. In fact, I resent when people refer to these parts of me as self-sabotage. That implies that this part of me that is afraid is a saboteur, and will forever be malicious and work against me. I don’t believe this to be true at all.

It’s too easy to ignore or deny those parts and just forge forward with a big smile on our face. 

It’s too easy to only talk about what’s going great, while denying that there may be a deep-seated fear growing within us. 

It’s easy, but it’s not the truth.

The truth is that this part of me is just doing his best to protect my heart.

And I love and appreciate all that he does. 

For today’s video I have a conversation with the part of me that’s terrified by all the wonderful things from the past few weeks. I didn’t go in to blame him or fix him or even judge him. I went in to listen, support and to love him.

Do you guys have a part that is not ready for growth and success or is it just me? 

Coming soon.

In 2015 my total income was $8,407. For the entire YEAR. It was a really tough transition year for me, but I didn’t tell anyone.

Then last month I shared a post about generating over $20,000 income in one month by working with my dream clients. This was a scary thing for me to share because I still had a lot of shame associated with money. Both from an “I suck at money!” standpoint and also from the perspective of “Will people hate me for making money?”

But the opposite was true. So many people reached out to me after that post to offer support and love. They opened up about where they were with regards to money. We supported each other. We celebrated each other. And I felt freer because I let people see the REAL me.

Now I can’t help but wonder… if talking about money needs to go through an evolution. Similar to what we’ve seen surrounding mental illness. (The two topics are most definitely not the same, but there’s lots to learn from each other.)

In North America, there are some promising initiatives in the past 10 years when it comes to having tough conversations about mental health. From Bell’s Let’s Talk initiative, to Movember, to See Me and Head Up. There are many that are making a real difference.

Now what if we did the same for money? Can we learn from the successes in mental health, and apply it to financial health?

So many of us struggle with money and growing debt. And lots of us suffer in silence due to shame and stigma. Lots of us have intergenerational money trauma (connected to our families) like bankruptcy, scarcity mindset, and trust issues.

And most of us don’t really have a clue how our peers are doing when it comes to money. Talking in specifics about the depth of our money challenges is seen as inappropriate. (Do you know how much debt your friends have? Do they know how much you have?)

There are people who are able to support us when it comes to money, but they can’t help if we don’t reach out and ask. Shame pushes us to stay quiet until we reach a breaking point.

But like most things in life, we are stronger together. 

What if we lived in a world were you were allowed to unpack our hidden money stories? What if we could share our debt and our income specifics, so that we really knew where people were at and if and how we could support and celebrate each other? 

My name is Darius.

My non-mortgage debt is $43,747.35.

There is $704.76 in my personal checking account.

I have $1,548.21 in my savings. This is the first year in my entire life I have had a savings account!

Last time I checked my credit score was 720, which I am told is really good. I think this is because I always pay my debt, but also because the banks and credit card companies make lots of money off of me. 

I have experienced 4 family bankruptcies in my life and in many ways I think this trauma haunts me. I never talk about it because I feel that if people knew this hidden part of my story, they would judge me and never trust me again. I was less than 13 years old for all 4 bankruptcies, but a part of me carries it as my own personal shame. 

My hope in sharing these specifics with you is to:

1. free myself from isolation created due to the shame and stigma

2. encourage others to have brave conversations

3. build community and support so that we can rise together

Do you see any similarities between money stigma and mental illness? And is there any hidden shame you are ready to release? 

We are always stronger together.

PS: This post was inspired by Kathryn Ducey.
PPS: The photo in this post was taken by Faramarz Hashemi.