Is Your Face a Monster?

For years I avoided looking at my own face.

I know how impossible this may seem. But I was able to hide from myself for years.

I even had a strategy…

In order to look in the mirror, there were very specific conditions that had to be met:

• The lighting had to be dim so I couldn’t see my acne scars

• I usually had a hoodie or hat on my head  to avoid seeing my receding hairline

• It had to be after a shower  so my skin wasn’t oily

As you can probably imagine, in order to see my face in photos the conditions were even more strict.

Running away from my face was sort of like running away from a monster in a nightmare.

Every once in a while, I’d look back to see how close the monster was, only to have the shit scared out of me. Never really stopping to see what I was running away from. 

Then one day, I stopped running.

I was exhausted from pretending I wasn't afraid of my own reflection.

Tired of hiding and playing small.

Tired of having conditions for being me.

I stood in front of my mirror at home, took off all my clothes, and turned on all the lights. I decided to open my eyes — not for a few seconds, but for 10 mins! 

It had been over a decade since I actually looked at my human and at first all I could only see “the monster” I’d been running from. It was an intense experience, as every inch of my face was met with hatred and loathing. The voice inside my head became vicious and critical.

The longer you’ve been running away from the monster, the more scary it may feel to stop and look it in the eyes. 

But… the terror only lasted for a few minutes. 

If you are brave enough to keep your eyes open, something amazing might just happen. 

You might discover, like I did, that this is not a monster staring back at you, but a beautiful and powerful human. 

And also that this human standing in front of you might just be your soulmate.

Do you have conditions for seeing yourself in photographs (or even the mirror)?

When was the last time you really looked at your human?