The Day I (Almost) Quit Photography for Good
Almost exactly two years ago, I was on one of my early morning SunChaser shoots that started at about 5:30AM. I was on my way to meet Jenn, who as many of you know is now my partner, but these photos took place way before any of that, when we were just friends.
I’ll NEVER forget the drive over to pick Jenn up. During that 20 min drive, I would have one of the most intense and important inner conversations of my life. It started out of nowhere, when a critical voice in my head started whispering, building up to a yell.
The message was crystal clear:
> Today is the day the world finds out you are a imposter.
> Your luck has finally run out, Darius.
> You’ve got nothing left.
> All of the flukey shit that got you to this point, it’s tapped out.
> You are a phoney and the whole world is about to find out.
This voice spoke from a place of absolutely certainty as if it was trying to warm me.
I remember gripping the steering wheel as hard as I could in absolute shock.
The voice told me to pull the car over, text Jenn and make up an excuse for why the shoot was canceled. And believe it or not, I wanted to do what the voice was telling me.
But I kept driving, not because I was brave, but because I was in shock, trying to process what was happening.
Then suddenly, before I knew it, Jenn popped into the car. She probably didn’t notice how pale and scared I looked because it was so bloody early, and I was too embarrassed to tell her how terrified I was.
We drove to Kensington Market together. On the inside, I was imploding. On the outside, I did everything I possibly could not to vomit.
When we found our first location and I pulled my camera out, I believed deep down that this would be my last shoot ever, the end of my photography career. It might sound silly to you, but that voice from earlier sounded so certain that there was no doubt in my mind it was telling the truth. And then when the shoot was over, I rushed home and loaded the photos into my computer, mostly because I wanted to know how badly I fucked up.
Spoiler alert… That was not the end of my photography career. The photos (see below) actually turned out amazing.
I didn’t understand.
“How could this be? That voice was absolutely certain!”
I decided my next steps were to find that voice again and talk to him.
And while a part of me wanted to rip into him and tell him off for being a liar, I did something totally different. I reached out to that voice with love and compassion:
“I know why you did this. You weren’t trying to hurt me, you were actually trying to protect me. And I deeply appreciate that. But also that was NOT HELPFUL and will NOT be acceptable in the future. EVER!”
I realized in that moment that this voice was not my intuition. This voice wasn’t a fortune teller, it wasn’t God trying to warm me of impending doom. Because the truth was, despite this voice’s conviction and unflinching confidence, he was wrong. 100% wrong.
I knew this was a principle realization in my life and my career. And there were 2 things I needed to take with me from this experience, in case the voice ever returned (which of course it would).
Here’s what I needed to know:
The voice of inner criticism can be wrong.
The voice of inner criticism is coming from a place of love, not hate. It may not feel like it, but it’s just trying to protect me.
Instead of treating this voice in my head like an enemy and exiling him the way he tried to exile me, I decided to make him an ally and integrate him into the rest of my life.
I thanked that voice, for everything he’s done for me and my work. For always pushing my standards to the next level. I shared my appreciation to him for always demanding the most out of me. Always.
That voice is a key part of my growth, as long as I remember that he is just one of MANY voices that work together to create ME. And like any great team, we work best in an environment of respect, patience and collaboration.
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